When my mom and my dad got married, their 11-year age difference did not seem like a lot. The more striking difference between them was their religious views. These differences have continued to evolve as my parents have gone through important life events such as having kids and becoming empty nesters.
As my mother used to say, my father didn’t grow up in the church, he married into it. Surrounded by my mother’s strong Swedish-German Lutheran family, my father was practically forced to start attending church once they began seriously dating. This pattern of conversion, similar to many same-faith couples, is what created a strong religious foundation for my parents to pass down to their kids (Bengtson, 2017). Growing up, I remember the same wake-up call, same Sunday best, same service, same pew every week. Like many religious parents, my mother and father regularly attended services with my brother and I (De Vaus, 1982; Tilley, 2010) and our weekly ritual was a staple among my first memories all the way until high school.
My mother took the lead role in my religious education.
As sociologist Christian Smith explains in Moral, Believing Animals (2010), people use cultural moral orders, like religion, to guide their life decisions. Lutheranism provided her with a system with which to teach her kids the difference between right and wrong. Breaking the 8th commandment and stealing things from the store was unacceptable. Saying the Lord’s name in vain was unacceptable. Wearing jeans to church was not in the commandments, but still unacceptable. My mother’s consistently stronger presence in my religious experience is similar to that of many mothers, who often cite more constant church attendance in comparison to fathers after having kids (Willits & Crider, 1989).
Fast forward to today: my brother is moved out and I am away at college. Our empty house has left my mother with no parental obligations. With this new freedom, she has rather quickly abandoned her dedication to the church. With no young kids at home, the formalities of church society have become tedious and she is ready to sleep in on Sundays.
My dad was the opposite.
After a long break from work, my father took a job at our family’s church. In retrospect, my family did not just see a change in his job description, but a change in his attitude. Soon, on Saturday nights, my dad was asking if we were going to church in the morning, he was praying before every meal, and he was even singing in church with confidence and purpose. My father’s experience turning to religion as a confidence booster matches other middle age men in his age group (Krause & Ellison, 2007).
Despite their different reactions, my parents’ belief in a higher power appears to be the same as it was before they got married. My mother has grievances with the institutional aspects of our church. But, I still notice her closing her eyes after we go up for communion and taking a moment of reflection to be close to God. Just like other parents, although my mother’s external religious practices waned as her children get older, she still has a strong personal religious connection (Moberg, 1972). On the other hand, my father’s increased church attendance is common within his age group. As a result of his increased participation, he is finding his own spirituality. Clearly, my parents are both religious people, which is key to how they connect as life partners (Bengtson, 2017), but how they engage that spirituality is independent of each other.
Everyone has their own unique journey with religion.
As my parents move through different life stages, just like everyone else, their relationship with religion and spirituality changes. Becoming parents brought them closer to religion for the sake of their children. Yet, both are in a new part of their life, closer to retirement, and exploring their spirituality through new paths. Both paths are equally valid, equally meaningful, just a little different.
Works Cited
Bengtson, Vern L. Families and Faith: How Religion Is Passed down across Generations. Oxford University Press, 2017.
De Vaus, David A. “The Impact of Children on Sex Related Differences in Church Attendance.” Sociological Analysis, vol. 43, no. 2, 1982, pp. 145–154. JSTOR, JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/3710794.
Krause, Neal, and Christopher G. Ellison. “Parental Religious Socialization Practices and Self-Esteem in Late Life.” Review of Religious Research, vol. 49, no. 2, 2007, pp. 109–127. JSTOR, JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/20447484
Moberg, David O. “Religion and the Aging Family.” The Family Coordinator, vol. 21, no. 1, 1972, pp. 47–60. JSTOR, JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/581786.
Smith, Christian. Moral, Believing Animals: Human Personhood and Culture. Oxford University Press, 2010.
Tilley, James R. “Secularization and Aging in Britain: Does Family Formation Cause Greater Religiosity?” Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, vol. 42, no. 2, 2003, pp. 269–278. JSTOR, JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/1387842.
Willits, Fern K., and Donald M. Crider. “Church Attendance and Traditional Religious Beliefs in Adolescence and Young Adulthood: A Panel Study.” Review of Religious Research, vol. 31, no. 1, 1989, pp. 68–81. JSTOR, JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/3511025.
Sacred in Society 